I'm not in AA. I don't have a sponsor. I haven't found God, and I'm not working any steps.
That stuff works for some people. Genuinely. No shade.
But it's not my thing, and I'm tired of people acting like it's the ONLY way to stay sober.
So here's what actually keeps me clean:
1. Glizzy
90 pounds of brindle chaos who needs me to function. He needs walks. He needs food. He needs me to get out of bed even when I don't want to. I can't be fucked up and take care of him properly. So I stay sober for him.
2. Spite
I'm not even gonna lie. Sometimes the only thing keeping me sober is "fuck you, watch me." People have counted me out. People have expected me to fail. And nothing motivates me more than proving them wrong.
Petty? Maybe. Effective? Absolutely.
3. Remembering how bad it actually was
My brain likes to romanticize the past. "It wasn't THAT bad. You were functional. You got stuff done."
No. I was a mess. I burned shit down. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I have to actively remind myself that the "good times" weren't actually good — I was just too high to notice.
4. Having something to build
When I'm working on Savage & Sacred — writing, planning, creating — I have a reason to stay clear. I can't build an empire if I'm fucked up. The vision keeps me focused.
5. Boredom tolerance
This one's hard. The hardest, actually. Learning to sit in the boring, quiet, understimulating moments without reaching for something to numb it. I'm still working on this one. Some days I win. Some days I eat junk food and stare at the wall. But I'm learning.
6. My partner
He's locked up. He's working on himself. I'm not gonna be out here falling apart while he's doing the hard shit too. We're both fighting for something better. I'm not gonna let us down.
7. This blog
Sounds dumb, but writing this stuff helps. Getting it OUT of my head and onto a page makes it feel less heavy. And knowing someone might read it and feel less alone? That's worth staying sober for.
I don't have a sobriety date tattooed on me. I don't count days most of the time. I've relapsed before and I might again — I'm not gonna pretend I've got this all figured out.
But today, I'm sober.
And that's enough for now.
