The ADHD Montage of Events When You Choose.
All the things I didn’t like when I was messed up. All the things I didn’t deal with properly. All the things that hurt — they come back around when I’m finally still enough to notice them.
Being ADHD, my brain doesn’t process things in a neat order. It jumps. It montages. It stacks unrelated thoughts on top of each other when I’m trying to sleep.
So I’ll go from “oh wow, rice again” to “fuck this fucker, I hate his guts” with about fifteen other thoughts in between.
I just looked at the time and realized I’ve been laying here for three hours cycling through excitement, boredom, anger, and sadness like it’s a highlight reel I didn’t ask to watch.
My poor brain.
And I’m not even tired yet. Of course I’m not.
Writing is the one thing that’s helped me stay somewhat sane through this. Even if nobody reads it. Even if it just exists. Getting it out of my head and putting it somewhere feels better than letting it rot internally.
Because I know that eventually someone will stumble across this and think, “Oh. She gets it.”
Feeling human again — and not knowing what to do with myself — is alienating. But it’s also one of the best feelings I’ve had in a long time. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like me. This feels like saying hello to an old friend while also meeting myself for the first time.
This whole process has taught me a lot. And I’m okay sharing it — even if you don’t stay long and you’re just passing through.
