I HAD MORE MONEY WHEN I WAS A MESS

 

Here's something nobody talks about when you "turn your life around":

You go broke.

Like, BROKE broke.

When I was using and selling, I had cash. Not "retirement fund" money. Not "savings account" money. But "I can buy what I want today" money.

A bottle of hard liquor? Sure. Two cases of teas? Make it four. New clothes? Why not. Shit for my man? Done.

I wasn't worried about it. The money came in and the money went out and there was always more coming.

Now?

I'm sober. I'm not selling. I'm trying to build something legit from a fifth wheel with a laptop and a prayer.

And I'm broker than I've ever been in my life.

Nobody warns you about this part.

The part where doing the right thing feels like a punishment.

The part where you watch people still in the life flexing while you're over here counting pennies.

The part where your brain goes, "Remember when we had money? We could just... go back to that."

That voice is loud sometimes. I'm not gonna lie.

But here's what I have to remind myself:

That money was never real.

It was fast cash with a short shelf life. One bad day — one raid, one rip-off, one snitch, one overdose — and it's all gone. The money. The freedom. Maybe your life.

I was living on borrowed time and calling it success.

Now I have nothing.

But I'm building something that can't be taken away in a move.

Something that won't disappear if I piss off the wrong person.

Something that's MINE — legally, fully, forever.

It's slow. It's frustrating. Some days I want to scream.

But I'd rather be broke and building than flush and running.

The goal isn't to go back to having money.

The goal is to get money a different way.

A way that doesn't come with looking over my shoulder.

A way that doesn't end with me in a cell next to my man.

A way I can actually be proud of.

I'm not there yet. Not even close.

But I'm closer than I was yesterday.

And that's gonna have to be enough for now.

🖤

This is something I talk about more in From Mess to Majick